I am an idiot.

Have you ever had that moment where you think to yourself "I am a complete and utter moron."? 

I had one of those moments today. I got really frustrated with a friend of mine for a really stupid reason, and in my moment of frustration, I decided to tell him exactly what thoughts were going through my moronic brain. 

Then after sitting down and calming down and thinking about why I was upset and how to best address my frustrations, I realized that I lashed out at him way more than he deserved. 

What was this 'fight' over, you ask? Well let me tell you. It was over him not responding to my text message. Stupid right? Well, it was a little bit more in depth then that. 

Let me tell you a bit about my friend. My friend is very different from myself. I am very self aware and inspect my thoughts and emotions for how I feel, how that is affecting me, how it might affect the people around me, how it may contribute to any number of things. Then, when I am close with someone I share some of those thoughts and feelings with them, after they have already been neatly thought out and packaged up all pretty. As I get more comfortable with the people around me, the more they get my thoughts in the more concrete stage. The less I have thought them out. Sometimes my closest friends get to watch me think it all out and work through it. My friend does not do either of these things. Well, he at least does not share them with the people around him very often. He is very private and rarely opens up. And that is okay, because it is who he is. But that also means that in text conversations, one word answers are his communication tool of choice. As you can tell from my multiple lengthy blog posts, the opposite is true of me. 

So, sometimes, when someone doesn't respond to me the way that they would in real life conversations I get frustrated because my mind automatically equates one word responses with frustration, disinterest and condescension. It has taken me a long time to recognize that this is not how some people mean them.

But back to the fight of epic proportions (not really, I just like that saying) today, I had messaged him late last night sharing my thoughts on something and he never responded. Which is not unusual, so it didn't bother me at the time. Then this morning I messaged him about the birth of a mutual friends child and he, again, did not respond. Still not unusual. Then one of our other mutual friends told me that I beat her to the punch. I had told him about the new baby before she could. That is when I went all female and overreacted massively. I got really frustrated because he could not even acknowledge that I had messaged him to me, but would acknowledged it to someone else. I was stupid in reacting that way, and I should have calmed down and thought it through. 

This really long story does have a point and I will finally give it to you. I know by now you are probably sitting on the edge of your seat in suspense. 

It made me think about my relationship with God, and my relationship with my friends. If I gave God the power over my heart and actions the way that I gave this friend, I think I would be in a lot better of a place. Not that my friend is undeserving, but instead I thought about how much it upset me when my friend didn't respond. How often does God talk to me, and pursue me? How often do I just leave him out in the cold? 

How often does God reach out to me that I don't even notice or care about? How often do I not acknowledge his presence, his voice, his love? 

How often do I treat God much worse than any kind of treatment I have gotten from friends not returning messages, phonecalls, facebook posts, etc. 

My friends don't owe me anything. They do not have to respond if they don't want to. On the other hand, I owe God everything. I owe him my life, my salvation, my hope, my grace. My everything.

In the end I realized quite clearly that I do not put enough effort into my relationship with God. The one who gave everything so that I could have this relationship. The one that died on the cross, so that I could know his love for me. 

Wow, what a moving message to come to me through my own stupidity and immaturity. How amazing that God uses everything to constantly bring us closer to him. 

Wow.