Jesus can you hear me?...

...come and heal my brokenness - put the pieces back together and be a father to the fatherless

Sixteen finds me blowing out candles and making wishes and all around me is everyone but the one I'm wishing for. and he didn't even send me flowers and gift wrapped excuses from a daddy whose daughter wants to see him again. and I know it's just another birthday but I guess I thought that this would be the one when he would call me, see me, hold me and free me. But it's just another birthday and I'll be fine. 

About five years ago, my life found me living in a small town, dating a highschool football player, surrounded by people who I called best friends but didn't know anything about me. The biggest thing I wanted to do was go to a highschool party and get drunk and party and be able to be involved in all the funny stories that my classmates told. I wanted an escape from the world I found myself in. The one where my father killed himself when I was 8. The one where I was almost the sole caregiver for my brother and sister at home, even though there were two capable adults living there. The world where I wanted nothing to do with my family and just wanted an escape. My birthday, I went bowling, I was surrounded by people, and I felt entirely alone. I was old enough finally to understand what my dad did, and I entirely blamed myself. What had I done wrong? Why wasn't I good enough? This was my birthday at 16. 

Nineteen finds me, and I'm wide eyed and wide open. I gave myself away to love but backseat promises fade like a mist. I'm screaming at the midnight air - everyone hears me but I don't care. My heart's clenched just like a fist 'cause, people, I didn't ask for any of this and I'm not fine.

At 19, things were very very different. I was in college. I was a typical college student for the most part. I partied, I drank way too much, I flirted, I dated, I went too far too fast. I was going full speed down a road that I didn't know, that I didn't know how to stop on. Everything was too fast, too colourful, too loud, too uncontrollable, and I was high on it. I had left friends in the dust with no backwards glances, I had left my strong morals from highschool in my closet at home when I moved out. I was free (or so I thought) for the first time. But I quickly learned that freedom comes at a price. A heavy price. I was no longer stuck in the world from my early teen years. Instead I was stuck in a place where every night I had to drink more, go further and up the ante to continue to get the same high on life. I was in a horrendous relationship. I thought that this is what life called love. The word 'marriage' was thrown around. It terrified me, but I had to keep upping the ante, right? I quickly realized that this was no more freedom than before. In fact I was stuck in my own head and my own world, even more unable to escape than before. 

Twenty-one finds me blowing out candles and making wishes and all around me a barefoot princess twirls and sings. It's so amazing looking back at all God's brought me through. You are my happy birthday and I was born to break the chains. Now I know, it's not just another birthday, cause I'm here, You're here and look how far we've come since You called me, saw me, held me and freed me. Thank you Lord, for another birthday and I'm more than fine. 

In exactly 3 hours and 30 minutes I will turn 21. 

For the FIRST time in my life, I don't feel trapped. I feel content in where I am, where I am going, what I am working for. I work in a place that I feel needed, wanted and appreciated. I have reconciled with the friends that I screwed over in the last few years, and have an AMAZING group of friends. 

That is not to say that life is perfect. That isn't to say there aren't still some pretty significant struggles. That isn't to say that there isn't still pain that cuts deep. 

Because to let you in on a little secret, being a christian is still just as painful, and has just as many struggles as being athiest. If not more. But there is a pretty stellar reason to keep going and keep pushing and keep trying in my life now. And no, contrary to popular belief, that is not the promise of heaven. It is knowing that we have someone on our side who has felt all the pain and struggle that we feel. Jesus is a pretty awesome person to have in your corner. 

This is just a lighthearted(ish) blog post for all of you out there following my muddled up thoughts to celebrate my birthday. 

In case you were wondering, the song is called Just Another Birthday by Casting Crowns and the lyrics have been mildly altered to fit my life. 

In Christ Alone, my friends
- A