Hey There,
Its been a few days since I last updated and today (and the last few days) I have been stuck in an endless thought loop about trust. Trust. Its a simple word. Five letters, four consonants, 1 vowel. You can have a million different types of trust. Trust in your paper being delivered every day. Trust in your car to not break down, trust in your mechanic to fix it when it does. Trust in your friends, trust in your spouse, trust in your family. Trust in your Savior.
Trust is an undeniably huge part of life. Sometimes we have trust for something and don't realize how much we trust that thing until it is broken. Thats the toxic thing about trust. We don't really notice it until it is gone. And then we are generally hurt beyond words. So where is a happy medium?
This summer I struggled with the idea of trust. Trusting someone particularly. Not any particular person, but just the idea of trusting a virtual stranger with the most broken parts of me and my past. How do you go about doing that after years of never opening up? I struggled. I wrestled. I failed sometimes, but in the end, there were a couple people I opened up to. One was a great friend that I made early in the summer. I considered this person one of my best friends, and after slowly opening up to him, I felt like I could trust him with practically anything. This was one massive mistake on my part. Not trusting him, that wasnt the mistake. Putting the weight of MY world on HIS shoulders. I screwed up. I trusted too much and put too much pressure there. Now, I can't even call that person a friend anymore, and that breaks my heart everytime I think about it, every time I talk about it, and every time I see him. I trusted too much, and I got hurt.
I don't trust enough and I get hurt. So where is the happy medium I ask?
This summer also opened me up to a different kind of trust. People trusted ME. Not because of anything besides my position at camp. Parents trusted me with their children, children trusted me with their pain, co-workers trusted me with their secrets, with their not so nice side. I had more trust in me, in my abilities, in my leadership this summer than I have ever had in my life. And I always used to think that when I finally got to that place I would feel like I had everything together. Instead I was terrified. I cannot even begin to describe how much is scared me to lead a team of professionals. To have sole responsibility of the safety of 600 people on me and my team. To know that when something went really, really wrong it came down to me and my skills to minimize the damage and make them feel better. That terrified me.
And now, at this moment, there is so much that is hinging on trust. I have my friends and family trusting that I will make the right decision no matter how much it costs me and the people involved. I have to trust God to get me through the next few months which will be the hardest of my life. I have the option to start to open up to someone and trust them to not turn around and walk away. So what do I do. because it could fail either way.
and that, my dear friends, is a moment of insight into my sometimes meddled up mind.
Any advice you could offer, would be wonderfully appreciated.
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