Today, has been one of the most emotionally draining days of my life. Today has been a day that I would never want to repeat. Ever. 

Today I have felt pulled, pushed, torn, and smashed in every way. 

What does one do when you have no idea who is telling the truth, who is telling what they believe to be true, telling what they think you want to hear? 

Today, I have been trying to support a bunch of people who are at odds. Today I have been bombarded with text messages from multiple people all mad at the other people. Today those people are my family. 

What is the answer when they all feel as though they are the wronged party? The answer is something I do not have and I do not think I will ever have. 

Instead, I am just trying to love them in the way they need to be loved. Show them the love of Jesus through everything I do. 

That ended with me sending a letter to my older sister. One that was instrumental in my walk with Christ and is proudly displayed on my wall. I think it is something that could bring joy and peace to everyone's life that reads it. 

I am presenting it to you with the sincere hope that it enriches your life, and brings you to a new understanding of the love poured out for you. I also present it to with you with the sincere prayer that it can be used to help my family find peace, forgiveness, grace, love, acceptance, and support. 

You can find this letter here!

Thank you all for being stellar beings!

He was pierced for our transgression, he was crushed for our inequities.

Hello!

Today is a beautiful day on the island in the way that only Vancouver Island can be. The sun is shining, and the sky is blue. Birds are out, deer are everywhere, and creation is just screaming the glory of it's maker. What a beautiful world that I live in. 

The last few days have been wonderful. I have amazing friends who love me in just the right way. I have wonderful coworkers that are able to look past our differences and help me in a time of need. I have great friends full of wisdom when I have a situation I feel out of my depth in. I have an unshakable hope in the future. 

Today I have been spending a lot of time looking back to this time last year and where I was emotionally and spiritually. 

A year ago I was really confused. I was looking for answers and explanations to the pain I had gone through in the past. I was being pulled two ways. One way by God and the love and acceptance that he showed me, and the other by a group of people that I craved acceptance from. 

A year ago I was debating whether or not I was going to go to the Easter sermon at a nearby church with friends. I was confused as to whether or not I wanted to be a christian anymore. I was lost and tired of all the fighting. 

A year ago I was waiting to hear back from Camp Qwanoes about whether or not I got the job. 

A year ago I was praying that if God was real and if he could hear me and if he cared for me, that he would give me an out to the confusing life I was in. I was praying I would get a yes from Qwanoes.

A year ago I went to that Easter church service. I sat there wondering what in the world was going on. Why was I feeling so much pain. Why were past wounds being brought back up to be inspected? Why was this happening when being a christian was supposed to be easier? 

This past Sunday  at the church that I now attend (New Life Community Baptist in Duncan BC) our pastor was talking about just those things. Why does pain exist? Why does God let it? And to be honest, he really didn't answer that question in the short time he had to talk about it. He said that that is part of our next sermon series. But he did say a few things that stuck out to me. 

He talked about the fact that we have been made blameless for all of our sins. We have been washed clean by the blood of Christ who was blameless and took on all the blame. 

He talked about how the devil is clever and scheming. He talked about how it is only through God that we are able to turn away and that to do so we need to never give up and pray. We need to be faithful and pray. We need to seek wisdom and pray. We need to pray, pray, pray. 

What a powerful message. The answer to most of our problems is found through praying. Not because praying is some special voodoo type magic, but because God, as the Holy Father, wants us to be in relationship with us. He wants us to ask for help. He delights in us turning to him. Just as a father on earth delights in his son asking him to help him work on his car. 

What an amazing God we have! We have a God willing to take all of our blame away at the price of himself, we have a God that is so loving that he is with us always, we have a God who wants nothing more to be in close and perfect relationship with each one of us. 

What is pain then? Pain is separation between us and God. How do we get rid of that? We seek God more and ask him to take that separation away. Who is the only person that can break through the barrier of sin and take away that separation  God. So what is the answer? God. 

So what is separating you from God today? Is it family problems? How about unrequited love? Money issues? Depression? Addiction? Any number of things out there are reasons that could separate us from the perfect love that is offered to us. Yet, none of them have to. Reach out to God today. Reach out to his holy and perfect love and grace. 

Reach out. He will meet you more than halfway. 

I am an idiot.

Have you ever had that moment where you think to yourself "I am a complete and utter moron."? 

I had one of those moments today. I got really frustrated with a friend of mine for a really stupid reason, and in my moment of frustration, I decided to tell him exactly what thoughts were going through my moronic brain. 

Then after sitting down and calming down and thinking about why I was upset and how to best address my frustrations, I realized that I lashed out at him way more than he deserved. 

What was this 'fight' over, you ask? Well let me tell you. It was over him not responding to my text message. Stupid right? Well, it was a little bit more in depth then that. 

Let me tell you a bit about my friend. My friend is very different from myself. I am very self aware and inspect my thoughts and emotions for how I feel, how that is affecting me, how it might affect the people around me, how it may contribute to any number of things. Then, when I am close with someone I share some of those thoughts and feelings with them, after they have already been neatly thought out and packaged up all pretty. As I get more comfortable with the people around me, the more they get my thoughts in the more concrete stage. The less I have thought them out. Sometimes my closest friends get to watch me think it all out and work through it. My friend does not do either of these things. Well, he at least does not share them with the people around him very often. He is very private and rarely opens up. And that is okay, because it is who he is. But that also means that in text conversations, one word answers are his communication tool of choice. As you can tell from my multiple lengthy blog posts, the opposite is true of me. 

So, sometimes, when someone doesn't respond to me the way that they would in real life conversations I get frustrated because my mind automatically equates one word responses with frustration, disinterest and condescension. It has taken me a long time to recognize that this is not how some people mean them.

But back to the fight of epic proportions (not really, I just like that saying) today, I had messaged him late last night sharing my thoughts on something and he never responded. Which is not unusual, so it didn't bother me at the time. Then this morning I messaged him about the birth of a mutual friends child and he, again, did not respond. Still not unusual. Then one of our other mutual friends told me that I beat her to the punch. I had told him about the new baby before she could. That is when I went all female and overreacted massively. I got really frustrated because he could not even acknowledge that I had messaged him to me, but would acknowledged it to someone else. I was stupid in reacting that way, and I should have calmed down and thought it through. 

This really long story does have a point and I will finally give it to you. I know by now you are probably sitting on the edge of your seat in suspense. 

It made me think about my relationship with God, and my relationship with my friends. If I gave God the power over my heart and actions the way that I gave this friend, I think I would be in a lot better of a place. Not that my friend is undeserving, but instead I thought about how much it upset me when my friend didn't respond. How often does God talk to me, and pursue me? How often do I just leave him out in the cold? 

How often does God reach out to me that I don't even notice or care about? How often do I not acknowledge his presence, his voice, his love? 

How often do I treat God much worse than any kind of treatment I have gotten from friends not returning messages, phonecalls, facebook posts, etc. 

My friends don't owe me anything. They do not have to respond if they don't want to. On the other hand, I owe God everything. I owe him my life, my salvation, my hope, my grace. My everything.

In the end I realized quite clearly that I do not put enough effort into my relationship with God. The one who gave everything so that I could have this relationship. The one that died on the cross, so that I could know his love for me. 

Wow, what a moving message to come to me through my own stupidity and immaturity. How amazing that God uses everything to constantly bring us closer to him. 

Wow. 

Glory to the God on high ♫

Today was Wednesday. For us here at Camp Qwanoes that means that it is staff meeting day. We all make our way to a bunch of couches arranged in a circle, and we sing a couple worship songs, do a devotion, pray, talk about camp stuff that is important for that week, pray some more. Meetings are quite often punctuated with laughter, joking, Canuck/Flames jokes, slightly inappropriate comments made funnier because the person saying them doesn't know that they are inappropriate, and much much more. 

I have never not enjoyed these meetings (okay, you caught me... sometimes in the summer after a long night of calls, I sometimes didn't want to go to them) but today's really hit me. It was moving and powerful in it's simplicity. A lot of our staff is currently on vacation so there were a lot less of us there. We started with a few worship songs, and then were lead in a devotion by one of the staff members who really focused on unity and how important it was. He talked about how we don't love each other in our hearts alone. We talk to each other, spend time together, text, message of facebook, etc. And we have to do the same with God (okay, not facebook, clearly he doesn't have that). But we can't keep our relationship with him within our hearts. I never thought about it this way before. He went on to talk about how unity with God, and Jesus is the starting point for unity with each other and it evolved into talking about how we are one body, in one church with one God. I really liked that, it reminded me that no matter how much we disagree as Christians  no matter how many denominations, no matter how much discord, we are one body. The body of Christ. 

Then he said something that really stuck with me about the discord that exists among the body of Christ, and it was this: "When we fight with one another, neither of us win and even more importantly God doesn't win either. When we fight amongst ourselves and we allow bitterness and anger to creep in, we might as well take the gift that God has given us and put it right into the devils hands." This really hit me today, and I am not entirely sure why it hit me as hard as it did. But it is something I have been thinking about all day since and decided to write up a blog for. 

I guess it all comes down to how we need to have grace and forgiveness for each other. That is the gift that God gave us in such great measure that we are able to pass it on to others. 

I really have nothing else to say beyond the fact that I know there are areas in my life that I need to extend grace and forgiveness to people and there are areas in my life that I need that extended. I plan to be very intentional about that and seek to find peace in that regard. What areas in your life need to be looked at? What things were creeping into the back of your mind while you read this? Where is the guilt that you feel? Because THAT is where you need to focus right now. So stand alongside me and more importantly, Jesus, and extend grace, forgiveness and love and see how much your life is enriched. 

Love, love love!

For God so loved the world...

Just now, a good friend of mine and I were talking about love. Not abnormal in society, right? People are always talking about it in someway. Talking about the love they have or want for another person. The love they have for their family. Their lack of love for their opponent. The love they have for sex, drugs, alcohol. The love that they have for music. The love they have for coca-cola. The love they have for a movie or TV series. The love they have for spaghetti. The love they have for their favourite sports team. The love that they  have (or lack thereof) for their saviour. 

Love makes the world go 'round according to many sources in the media. I agree. But for an entirely different reason than chemicals and physical attraction. 

Love started it all and ended it all, in the form of Jesus. Alpha and Omega. Beginning and End.

There are many well known verses of scripture that talk about love. John 3:16 "for God so loved the world that he sent his one and only son..." "1 Corinthians 13 "love is patient, love is kind..." and many, many more. The bible tells us that God loves us more than we can believe or imagine. That his love took on humanity in the shape of Jesus. This is a well known name. A well known life and a well known cause. Most children have heard of Jesus. Most know the story of his life before they finish elemantary school. But how many of us actually sit down and think about it?

My friend and I did just that. Started by her devotion this afternoon she brought up 1 Cor 13:8 (Love never ends). This brought us to think about how we have no idea what love is. 

In the end, we realized this. God died to save us. God sent Jesus to save us. 

Would we do the same in his situation? Would we die to save someone we loved? Would we step in front of that bullet to save our mother? brother? sister? A lot of people would say yes, and would be entirely honest in that answer. 

What about this... would you die to save a stranger? maybe you would. 

would you die to save someone who was stealing from you? 

would you die to save a murderer? 

would you die to save a hitler? an osama bin laden? Even I have to say that I probably wouldn't. 

Jesus would. Our sin is deplorable to him. Our sin is the worst thing in the universe. He cannot stand to be in the presence of sin. Sin is to Jesus as terrorism is to us. Would we die for a terrorist so that they could live? No. Most of us would not. We would stand aside and let that person die. They deserve it right? 

God agrees, but he loves us SO much that he could not stand to see that happen. 

Lets go a bit further, though, because God certainly did. 

Would you raise your only son, knowing from the moment of conception that they would be raised to die for a loved one?

how about a stranger?

what about a murderer?

what about the worst terrorist that you can think of?

Would I? I certainly would not, in all honesty. I would hold them close to keep them safe. 

That is what God has done for us. That is what he has done for me. For you. For everyone. 

and what do we do in return? we throw it all in his face and keep on sinning. 

This conversation with my friend was a very sobering one indeed. 

Is it sobering for you?

Late Night Musings of an Beloved Daughter

Today has been a rough day. Not in a standard way. It was pretty average in that regard. Woke up, had a granola bar, apple and orange juice for breakfast. Went to work and filed a bunch of paperwork, made confirmation packages, had lunch, did more confirmation packages. Work actually went by pretty quickly and was enjoyable with the banter between the ladies in the office and myself (I just had a moment of realization that I have become on of those office ladies to the kids... oh dear). 

It was after work that things just kinda went downhill for me emotionally. I don't know what precisely caused it. I don't know how to make it better. All I know is that suddenly I felt really lonely. Really, really lonely. I found myself struggling to connect with my friend on a skype chat. I found myself struggling to connect with my roommate when she got home. I found myself struggling to remind myself how very loved I am by my friends, family and support system surrounding me. I found myself doubting God's love for me. 

Then I was listening to music and there was a song that just smacked me in the face with what it said. 

Yesterday I was talking to a close friend of mine about whether or not I wanted children, and then I had another conversation about it later in the evening with another friend. I kept saying that I didn't want children. I have always felt that, I have always said that. But I feel like God keeps asking me why I don't want children. Why I am playing God in my life and not giving him a say in the matter. 

And hearing that song, it hit me. It hit me hard. I sat at my desk nearly in tears when I realized why I have shied away from the idea of a family my entire life. Fear. 

fear  /fi(ə)r/

Noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I am afraid. I am so afraid. I am so afraid that I will make the same mistakes that my parents and their parents before them have made. Terrible relationship choices. Alcohol. Addictions. Depression. Neglect. Any and all of the above. 

I am so afraid that I am going to become the only thing I know when I become a mother.

It has taken me a long time, but I have finally hit that wall. I have hit that wall head-on. Hit it going full speed. And as I sit up and try to clear the rubble away I am realizing something. It is not on my own strength and abilities that this rests. It is on His. I have given him my life. I have given him my fears, failures, sin, dreams, hope, love, future. So, I need not be afraid to be who I don't want to be. Because he will push me to be who he wants me to be. 

Does that take the pain of my past away? absolutely not. Does that take away the extreme loneliness away when I think about my family? Not a chance. Does it give me hope for a future, and confidence in the fact that God will be right beside me if there comes a day that He leads me to have children? Absolutely. 

I know I am loved. I know I am accepted. But that will never take away the pain and doubt that have formed around the scars from my past and it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I recognize that. I have kept pursuing this magic cure to that pain all my life and I have finally realized that, that doesn't exist in this life. 

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're bringing new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're bringing new life to your family tree now

Living a life like no other.

Do you know what Camp Qwanoes is like?

Do you want to?

then.

I will tell you about...

how amazing it is here.

like, you have no idea.

Advance crew starts, and very few people are here. Retreats and guest groups start and give you a tiny taste of what summer is like

and slowly more and more people start moving here

and the team gets bigger and bigger

and then staff training starts. and literally people just pour into camp

and its overwhelming at first, and you are mad at them because they steal all the best bible reading and hang out spots

and then staff training starts and your head is turned inside out, and your heart is turned inside out, and you cry and laugh, and worship, and fall to pieces all while being built higher than you ever expected.

and then

the kids get here.

and the first week is probably going to be the hardest week of your life.

and when all the kids leave at the end of it, we have a staff meeting

and you will probably at some point that afternoon think to yourself "there is no way I will make it through eight weeks of this"

and then it will feel like you blink and you will be at the end of the summer

and you are so tired, but you have seen so many things happen

and god has moved in such powerful ways

and then it is youth camp

and you are exhausted, and you feel like you are hanging onto the very edge of the ledge by the tips of your fingers

and at any moment you might let go and then fall into oblivion.

but you don't.

and then at the final staff meeting, you realize that the great ledge you thought you were hanging onto

really wasnt a ledge at all

you were actually standing on solid, solid ground the entire summer. more solid than anything in your life

but, you were standing on your tiptoes, hanging onto a ledge that you created for yourself

just to feel that way, because we are human and we need to feel like we are fighting for life and death

and we kinda are, just not in that sence

and then you want to sleep for a month

but you dont

and life keeps going

and no matter where you go or what you do, i guarantee that a good chunk of your heart will ALWAYS belong to qwanoes

and even in the worst moments of qwanoes

the moments where you feel like you aren't good enough, and that you just can't keep going

the moments of tears and fears and trials and pain

you will never have felt that high and that good in your life. you will walk away knowing way more about your strengths and how God can use your weaknesses. 

you will have a 200 person strong family.

you will realize the extent that the brokenness of this world can break your heart

but at the same time, how the love and grace of christ can soothe it and give you even more of a reason to fight for him

you will walk away in the most powerful humility you can imagine

a humility where you understand how much you rely on Christ to keep going, but a sense of power of God working through you in that understanding

you will cry for the kids that met Jesus

and cry for the ones that didn't.

you will learn what it is like to pray with extensive love for over 3000 children

that you feel like you know each one personally

and feel each ones pain

and for a moment, a single sliver of a second, you feel a tiny fraction of what God must feel for us

and then you will feel tiny, and broken, and oh so loved

love that you could have never imagined existed before that exact moment of dawning

and a love that you know you still don't even come close to understanding

that God is pouring, in torrents, on top of you.

and that is the power of serving a summer at qwanoes