Late Night Musings of an Beloved Daughter

Today has been a rough day. Not in a standard way. It was pretty average in that regard. Woke up, had a granola bar, apple and orange juice for breakfast. Went to work and filed a bunch of paperwork, made confirmation packages, had lunch, did more confirmation packages. Work actually went by pretty quickly and was enjoyable with the banter between the ladies in the office and myself (I just had a moment of realization that I have become on of those office ladies to the kids... oh dear). 

It was after work that things just kinda went downhill for me emotionally. I don't know what precisely caused it. I don't know how to make it better. All I know is that suddenly I felt really lonely. Really, really lonely. I found myself struggling to connect with my friend on a skype chat. I found myself struggling to connect with my roommate when she got home. I found myself struggling to remind myself how very loved I am by my friends, family and support system surrounding me. I found myself doubting God's love for me. 

Then I was listening to music and there was a song that just smacked me in the face with what it said. 

Yesterday I was talking to a close friend of mine about whether or not I wanted children, and then I had another conversation about it later in the evening with another friend. I kept saying that I didn't want children. I have always felt that, I have always said that. But I feel like God keeps asking me why I don't want children. Why I am playing God in my life and not giving him a say in the matter. 

And hearing that song, it hit me. It hit me hard. I sat at my desk nearly in tears when I realized why I have shied away from the idea of a family my entire life. Fear. 

fear  /fi(ə)r/

Noun An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I am afraid. I am so afraid. I am so afraid that I will make the same mistakes that my parents and their parents before them have made. Terrible relationship choices. Alcohol. Addictions. Depression. Neglect. Any and all of the above. 

I am so afraid that I am going to become the only thing I know when I become a mother.

It has taken me a long time, but I have finally hit that wall. I have hit that wall head-on. Hit it going full speed. And as I sit up and try to clear the rubble away I am realizing something. It is not on my own strength and abilities that this rests. It is on His. I have given him my life. I have given him my fears, failures, sin, dreams, hope, love, future. So, I need not be afraid to be who I don't want to be. Because he will push me to be who he wants me to be. 

Does that take the pain of my past away? absolutely not. Does that take away the extreme loneliness away when I think about my family? Not a chance. Does it give me hope for a future, and confidence in the fact that God will be right beside me if there comes a day that He leads me to have children? Absolutely. 

I know I am loved. I know I am accepted. But that will never take away the pain and doubt that have formed around the scars from my past and it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I recognize that. I have kept pursuing this magic cure to that pain all my life and I have finally realized that, that doesn't exist in this life. 

You didn't ask for this
Nobody ever would
Caught in the middle of this dysfunction
It's your sad reality
It's your messed up family tree
And all your left with all these questions

Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was?
Do you have to carry what they've handed down?

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

I have a dream for you
It's better than where you've been
It's bigger than your imagination
You're gonna find real love
And you're gonna hold your kids
You'll change the course of generations

No, this is not your legacy
This is not your destiny
Yesterday does not define you
No, this is not your legacy
This is not your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

Cause you're my child
You're my chosen
You are loved
You are loved

And I will restore
All that was broken
You are loved
You are loved

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're bringing new life to your family tree now
Yes you are
You are

No, this will be your legacy
This will be your destiny
Yesterday did not define you
No, this will be your legacy
This will be your meant to be
I can break the chains that bind you

And just like the seasons change
Winter into spring
You're bringing new life to your family tree now

Living a life like no other.

Do you know what Camp Qwanoes is like?

Do you want to?

then.

I will tell you about...

how amazing it is here.

like, you have no idea.

Advance crew starts, and very few people are here. Retreats and guest groups start and give you a tiny taste of what summer is like

and slowly more and more people start moving here

and the team gets bigger and bigger

and then staff training starts. and literally people just pour into camp

and its overwhelming at first, and you are mad at them because they steal all the best bible reading and hang out spots

and then staff training starts and your head is turned inside out, and your heart is turned inside out, and you cry and laugh, and worship, and fall to pieces all while being built higher than you ever expected.

and then

the kids get here.

and the first week is probably going to be the hardest week of your life.

and when all the kids leave at the end of it, we have a staff meeting

and you will probably at some point that afternoon think to yourself "there is no way I will make it through eight weeks of this"

and then it will feel like you blink and you will be at the end of the summer

and you are so tired, but you have seen so many things happen

and god has moved in such powerful ways

and then it is youth camp

and you are exhausted, and you feel like you are hanging onto the very edge of the ledge by the tips of your fingers

and at any moment you might let go and then fall into oblivion.

but you don't.

and then at the final staff meeting, you realize that the great ledge you thought you were hanging onto

really wasnt a ledge at all

you were actually standing on solid, solid ground the entire summer. more solid than anything in your life

but, you were standing on your tiptoes, hanging onto a ledge that you created for yourself

just to feel that way, because we are human and we need to feel like we are fighting for life and death

and we kinda are, just not in that sence

and then you want to sleep for a month

but you dont

and life keeps going

and no matter where you go or what you do, i guarantee that a good chunk of your heart will ALWAYS belong to qwanoes

and even in the worst moments of qwanoes

the moments where you feel like you aren't good enough, and that you just can't keep going

the moments of tears and fears and trials and pain

you will never have felt that high and that good in your life. you will walk away knowing way more about your strengths and how God can use your weaknesses. 

you will have a 200 person strong family.

you will realize the extent that the brokenness of this world can break your heart

but at the same time, how the love and grace of christ can soothe it and give you even more of a reason to fight for him

you will walk away in the most powerful humility you can imagine

a humility where you understand how much you rely on Christ to keep going, but a sense of power of God working through you in that understanding

you will cry for the kids that met Jesus

and cry for the ones that didn't.

you will learn what it is like to pray with extensive love for over 3000 children

that you feel like you know each one personally

and feel each ones pain

and for a moment, a single sliver of a second, you feel a tiny fraction of what God must feel for us

and then you will feel tiny, and broken, and oh so loved

love that you could have never imagined existed before that exact moment of dawning

and a love that you know you still don't even come close to understanding

that God is pouring, in torrents, on top of you.

and that is the power of serving a summer at qwanoes

amazing love, how can it be... that you, my King, would die for me?

Today I was listening to some music and happened to stumble across this song. It really, really hit me due to a lot of things. My past, some situations going on in my life and my own internal struggles with self worth. 

I present it all without comment, but I encourage you to really think about the song and what it means to you and what it could mean to the people around you and then ask yourself how you can step in and show that love to people. How you can play a part in fixing that broken girl in your world (or broken boy). 

Love you all! <3

Look what he's done to youIt isn't fairYour light was bright and new
But he didn't care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast
Now words like "innocence"
Don't mean a thing
You hear the music play
But you can't sing
Those pictures in your mind
Keep you locked up inside your past
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection
A beautiful display
Of healing on the way tonight
Tonight
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
Let your tears touch to the ground
Lay your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl
And put her back together again
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You're not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don't have to stay the broken girl
You don't have to stay the broken girl

Growth... Constant Growth

Hello WONDERFUL people. 

It has been much, much too long, and I have been slacking off way too much in writing this blog post. 

In all honesty, I just have not had much to say; and those things that I did have to say, I didn't know how to put into words. So now here I sit, staring out at the dark ocean and the lights from the island across the straight and I am pondering how to put into words what my life has been like for the last month. I suppose I will start from the beginning and work my way through everything. 

Christmas. I looked forward to Christmas this year with dread. It was shaping up to be the first christmas that I spent completely alone. Not that christmas has ever been anything wonderful in my life... but still. Alone. I felt like spending the entire thing by myself would be both incredibly lonely but also something quite good for me. 

About a week before the break was set to start, my older sister decided to fly into BC for it. So I spent Christmas at a by-choice-family members house. This woman is incredible. She has stepped in as the rolemodel that I never had. She has an amazing heart, and an incredible spirit. She took my sister and I in for christmas like we were children that were borne to her and raised in her family for her entire life. So after spending christmas day with her and her family, my sister and I went out exploring. It was a beautiful day and the sun even showed up for awhile (shocker, I know)

After that followed an amazing few days exploring and then back to work. This time with my sister in tow. It was an incredible blessing to be able to show her what we did in camp ministry. There were definite ups and downs. Fights of the variety that only siblings have. Misunderstandings. Hurt feelings. Apologies. Smiles. Laughs. Frustrations. Tears. Memories. But all in all, it was incredible to ring in the new year, taking communion, with my sister. I sat and thought about this afterwards. I started my year by celebrating the practice of remembering the sacrifice that Jesus made for me on the cross. It puts my year into an interesting perspective. 

Since then, work has started again. Back into the swing of things for a couple weeks until this past weekend when the year round staff went on a retreat of our own. It was interesting to be the guests for once. It was odd and sometimes I just wanted to jump in and try to help the people who hosted us. But all in all, it was one of the best weekends I have ever experienced. I learned A LOT. about me, about my coworkers, about my qwanoes family, about my strengths and weaknesses. About God. I have no other words to describe that weekend at this point. It was incredible.

So that brings me to now. I have hurt myself, and hurt myself fairly badly this time. I have a lumbar sprain - which basically means lower back muscle and ligament damage. It has severely impacted my ability to do every day tasks such as walk, and sit, and carry stuff. So if anyone out there wants to pray for quick healing and such, that would be amazing. 

I don't know what else to say here. I have learned so much about myself and God over the last month, but I don't know how to articulate that into words. I have become quite close to a few people that I didn't expect to get close to. I have come to terms, and come to peace with things that were bothering me a lot before the new year. I have closed some feelings and opened others about people that I wouldn't have thought could happen. I have changed. I have grown. I have learned. I have messed up. I have failed. 

But always, always I have and will get up and fight again. I will pick up my cross and I will follow Jesus no matter how hard, how painful or how difficult. That is the call on my life and that is what has been shown clearer to me this last month than anything else.