I am forgiven, because He was forsaken.

Good Morning internet world, 

Its been a few days since I last updated. Mostly because every time I sat down to do it, I just had no idea what to say. 

What do you say after a close friend has suddenly passed away and it has shattered your heart into a million pieces? How do you explain that every time you get into a car, you breakdown? How do you explain that in the last week, you have become as temperamental as a angry blast ended skrewt. I had no words, no wisdom, not a thing to share with you. 

So today, I sit down writing in orange, in memory of the best person I knew. In memory of a man that was taken long before he should have been. In memory of T-mo. 

Regardless, today I am going to talk about fear, vulnerability and weakness. I used to think that all three were the same thing, and all three should be carefully hidden away so that no one saw your weak spots. Over the last 7 months, and especially over the last week, I have learned that I was completely wrong. In the last week, I think I have cried more than ever before, and I cried EVERYWHERE. I mean, I cried in my room, in the dining hall, in cars, in my office, while I was walking places, in group settings, in the lounge that everyone hangs out in. I couldn't help it. I thought I was losing it. But in light of all of that, I realized that the people around me didn't look at me with disgust when they saw me crying, they didn't take advantage of my pain. Instead they came along side me and helped in whatever way they could. 

This was completely new to me. and completely unexpected. 

This last week has literally been the hardest week I have ever experienced. Three really big, really stressful things have happened and come to a head in that time span. I have learned so much about my limits of pain, sorrow and sadness. I have cycled through a few stages of the cycle of grief, and I know that I am nowhere near done working my way through them all. T-mo's memorial is tonight and his service is tomorrow and I am 4500km away, that is definitely hard, but I am going to do something here, because I know I need it for me. He is probably watching me from somewhere, freed from pain, and laughing at me for doing this, because I know he certainly wouldnt want any big deal made out of him, or his death. 

The biggest thing that I have come to terms with is that God loves me through all of this. I knew that before, but I didn't understand it. It took me going into the depths of sorrow for me to understand that the greatest reason to keep fighting, to keep working through all of this, is because his love sustains me. It has been incredible to be in my weakest moments and realize that he is just standing there waiting for me to look up and take his hand so that he can lead me out of it. 

I'm trying, and I know that I will continue to try for the next long while, but I am certainly not going to quit. 

Stay safe friends, wear your seatbelts and drive safe. I love you all.

- A




(points to those that get the Harry Potter reference)